In the News  ||  Media Releases  ||  Events  ||  Jewish Life & Celebrations  ||  Careers  ||  Newsletter

Jewish Life & Celebrations

Bar/Bat Mitzvah

L'Dor V'Dor: From Generation to Generation

Rabbi Peter H. Schweitzer and Myrna Baron, 2003
A program guide for a Cultural, Secular and Humanistic Bar and Bat Mitzvah for The City Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, New York.

Introduction

Congratulations!

You are entering an exciting time of your life! You are growing up – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Soon you'll become a teenager, or maybe you are already, and this means leaving your childhood behind and taking on more adult responsibilities in your family and in the community. You'll be able to stay up later, learn to drive, make more decisions on your own, and have your own opinions about things. You will also be expected to help out others to make their lives better and to make the world a better place to live for all people.

As Jews, we mark this exciting transition from childhood to adolescence and young adulthood by celebrating the bar mitzvah (for boys) or bat mitzvah (for girls) of the young person who is growing up. In keeping with Jewish tradition, we usually do this close to the time when you turn thirteen and we signify this event with a public celebration among family and friends at a service held by the congregation.

Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah isn't easy, however. But it's not too hard either. Just like learning to ride a bike, or going swimming, it takes time to feel confident to ride without training wheels or swim in the deep end. So, too, it takes time to become a responsible adult. That's what the teenage years are for. Likewise, it takes time to get ready to become a bar or bat mitzvah. That's also something that can't be done overnight.

In order to get you ready, we have developed this exciting program to train you for becoming a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah. Over the next year, as you follow the steps of this program, you will also be taking the steps to becoming a responsible young Jewish adult. And we look forward to celebrating that accomplishment with you and your family!


Overview

This program has Ten Steps. Generally, we think it makes sense to do them in order, but you may want to skip around and do some before others, or do some steps at the same time.

You will have many choices about which activities and projects you do. That's because making choices is one way you will learn to become a more responsible adult. Within each step there will be at least one required activity. Some steps also have additional recommended activities.

In case you were worried about it, you won't be doing this program all by yourself. We expect your parent(s) to be available helpers and advice-givers. And probably other relatives will also be willing to help out too. But remember, we encourage you to make as many decisions as you can on your own.

In addition to your parents, you will be teamed with a special adult, who will work with you as a friend and advisor. We call this person a mentor and he or she will help guide you through this program. You will meet with your mentor frequently during this preparation year to discuss your progress.

As you go through this program we want you to keep a record of your activities and projects. One way to do this is to keep a journal, like a diary, that will later become a valuable souvenir of your program and your becoming a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah. We'll give you pointers about what to put in this journal as we go along. Earlier generations could only keep photographs to remember people and events and places. You will probably also want to document your bar or bat mitzvah training and celebration with photographs. And, in addition, you may want to tape record or videotape many of the activities and discussions that will preserve people's voices as well as their images.


STEP #1 – FIGURING OUT WHERE MY FAMILY FITS INTO THE LARGER JEWISH FAMILY

The Jewish people have a very long history stretching back in time over 3500 years. The beginning of that history is rooted in the Middle East in the land of ancient Israel. During that period our ancestors were known as Israelites and their experiences were recorded in the books of the Bible. Later, when our ancestors took on the name of Jews, they moved to many different countries, including the ancient lands of Babylonia, Greece, and Egypt. In more modern times, Jews moved to still other countries, such as Russia and Germany, Spain, France, South Africa, Australia, China, the modern state of Israel, and, of course, the United States, too, where we live.

According to our tradition, the history of the Jewish people began as the history of one family, the family of Abraham and Sarah. Historically, there is no evidence that Abraham and Sarah really existed. They might have been used in the Bible as characters to represent a group of people who lived in the ancient Near East and became the ancestors of the Jewish people.

Over the years, going all the way to our own time, each generation has added a new chapter to that family history. Many important values and beliefs have been passed down from generation to generation. At the same time, many other ideas and practices have been newly developed by each generation. So, there has been both continuity and change over the centuries.

Your family is a link in a chain that stretches way back to our ancient ancestors. Just as your parent(s) and grandparent(s) have tried to pass on certain values and beliefs to you, it will be your responsibility to pass on values and beliefs to the next generation. Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah means that you are now being entrusted to preserve your family's history so that it will be remembered by those who come after you to make the next links in the chain.

So, this step in your bar or bat mitzvah preparation is designed to assist you to get to know your own family history and values better. That way you'll get some valuable guidance from those who are older than you about how to live your life and also be able to store away memories that you can pass on to the next generation.

Your family may have people in it from many different backgrounds, religious upbringings and ethnicities. Be sure to include everyone in your discussion and investigation.

Assignment:

Write a report of your family’s history, including some stories that your family members like to tell and might have been passed down from generation to generation (in Hebrew, l’dor v’dor).

STEP #2 -- THINKING ABOUT MY FAMILY’S VALUES AND MY OWN PERSONAL VALUES

Each of us, as individuals, develops a personal set of values. They are likely to be the same as our parent(s) since they taught us how to think about things. Of course, our parent(s) learned their values from their parent(s), which links us back to the generations before us. And our values may be different from our parent(s) as we develop our own ideas of what is important to us.

Sometimes, values are taught with specific lessons, like “Our family believes that education is very important,” or “Grandma taught us to always help the poor.” Other times, nobody actually teaches the lesson directly, but we observe from their behavior what is important to them and what their priorities are.

Assignment:

Write an essay about the values that have been passed down in your family from generation to generation. Use stories from the family history assignment to “illustrate” how your family members lived by the values that are/were important to them. Make a list of your values, and compare them to the values that your parent(s) and grandparent(s) discuss.

STEP #3 – EXAMINING MY PERSONAL BELIEFS

Becoming a bar/bat mitzvah is a time to think about one’s values. It is also a time to examine one’s beliefs. Here are some sample beliefs: “people are basically good,” “the world is not flat,” “the tooth fairy will bring me a quarter tonight.”

Like our values, our beliefs are shaped by how our parent(s) and teachers see the world. And, also like our values, we may embrace our parent(s)’ beliefs or choose ones that are different from theirs.

Assignment:

Write a brief essay that defines what beliefs are, in general, and what your beliefs and your family’s beliefs are, specifically.

STEP #4 – FINDING OUT MORE ABOUT THE HISTORY OF BAR/BAT MITZVAH AND HOW IT IS CELEBRATED TODAY

Jews have been turning 13 for thousands of years, but the celebration of a bar or bat mitzvah as we know it today is a relatively recent addition to Jewish culture, probably having its origins in the 15th century. And that was just for boys. These days, we take it for granted that girls can celebrate a bat mitzvah just the way a boy can celebrate a bar mitzvah, but in fact, girls have only been celebrating a bat mitzvah since the 1920s. And, even then, until fairly recently girls didn't get to celebrate their bat mitzvah equally in the same way boys did. Their celebration was often done with less fanfare than the ones the boys had.

The word mitzvah – the plural form is mitzvot – is often mistakenly translated as “good deed,” but the true meaning of the word is “commandment.” There's a big difference between these two translations because “good deed” implies something that is optional whereas “commandment” is something that you must do. For Humanistic Jews, who believe that human beings are the authors of their own actions, it is up to each of us to decide how we will act and what values we will uphold. For us, commandments are self-imposed obligations. Just because we do not believe that these commandments come from a supernatural being does not mean that we do not believe in ethics and justice. Furthermore, instead of relying on God to tell us what to do, we are not off the hook. Instead, it is up to each of us to decide what set of commandments we will embrace both individually and as a community. By becoming bar mitzvah, which means “son of the commandment,” or bat mitzvah, which means “daughter of the commandment,” you are now indicating your readiness to take on this obligation, too, of living by a code of your own rules and guidelines and ethical values.

Historically, a boy became a bar mitzvah by reading or chanting from the Torah – the hand-written scroll that contains the Five Books of Moses, which tell the history and legends of the Jewish people during the times of the Bible. The boy would also recite blessings that go with the Torah reading and sing a passage from one of the ancient prophets, called a haftarah, along with other blessings. He might also have led the service for the congregation. To do these things meant he had to have studied Hebrew for several years and also get special instructions for reading or singing from the Torah and prophets.

For many Jews, it is still the custom for the bar mitzvah boy or bat mitzvah girl to do a Torah reading and help lead the service. Often the student only learns to read the Hebrew words but does not know what they mean. We think it is important to know what you are saying and so while we will help you learn Hebrew, if that's what you and your family choose, you can also be proud of yourself if you choose to read the service just in English. Also, since Yiddish is another very important language of the Jewish people, and maybe your own family, you may decide that you want to include a Yiddish reading as well or instead of a Hebrew one.

As Humanistic Jews, while we think the Torah contains important messages and accounts of one period in Jewish history, it is not the only source of information and teaching about the Jewish experience. And because we do not regard the Torah as a sacred document that contains some special truth, we do not give it a special place at our services. At the same time, you might want to refer to the Bible in your major project if it is appropriate to your topic. You may also want to draw upon stories and accounts from any of our literature, as well as the stories your own family tells about its own history, which are equally important.

Assignment

Write a short essay about previous bar or bat mitzvah ceremonies in your family. Include your thoughts about any Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist or Orthodox bar or bat mitzvah ceremonies you’ve attended and compare them to those you’ve attended at The City Congregation or other Humanistic congregation or secular organization. When we get closer to your bar/bat mitzvah, your notes from this step will be very helpful when you write your final essay, “What my bar/bat mitzvah means to me” which will be included in your service.

STEP #5 -- DECIDING WHO MY HEROES & ROLE MODELS ARE AND WHY I LOOK UP TO THESE PEOPLE

According to Greek mythology, Atlas supports the world on his shoulders, and without Atlas the world would fall apart. In Jewish tradition there is a similar kind of legend that says that at least 36 righteous men – the lamed vav zaddikim, also known as lamedvovniks – live in every generation and they are responsible for the fate of the world. Their identities are unknown because they are very humble and do not draw attention to their importance, but, thanks to their good deeds, the world deserves to exist.

Since no one knows who these lamedvokniks are, they could be any one of us. So, we are encouraged to live our lives as if we were one of these hidden lamedvokniks. And, since we believe in the equality of women and men, this holds for all of us. Women are equally important to men in holding up the world and, as far as we're concerned, can also be lamedvokniks.

Now, while lamedvokniks are secret, there are some people in every generation whose importance and contribution is very public and maybe very famous. These people may be known for their brilliant ideas or inventions, for their contributions and their courage, and for the values they uphold. We think of these individuals as heroes, role models, trailblazers, and inspirational leaders.

Everybody has his or her own particular set of heroes and role models. As young children, we tend to look up to our parents and grandparents and our teachers as role models. As we become older we begin to look outside our own families and take in a wider world of possible heroes, some of whom may be alive today, others who may have lived centuries ago.

Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah is a time to think about what values are important to us. It is also a time to think about what role models and heroes are important to us because they stand for the values that are important to us.

Assignment

Write an essay about no more than three hero(es) and/or role model(s) you selected, including a little about their lives, why they are on your list, and how they inspire you. You will need to define the words “hero” and “role model” and explain the difference. Then you can decide if the person (people) you selected is/are heroes, role models, or both. It is helpful to establish your “criteria” for a hero or role model and see which criteria fit.

STEP #6 – PUTTING VALUES INTO ACTION

It is one thing to talk about values and think about ideas how to make the world a better place for all people. It is another thing to actually do something about it. Many people are all talk and little action. Some feel so overwhelmed at all the things that need to be done to improve our world that they don't know where to begin so they don't do anything. That's where the words of Rabbi Tarfon are useful: He said:

It is not your duty to complete the task,
but nor are you free to desist from it.

In other words, do what you can because something is a lot more than nothing. Plus, it doesn't just depend on one person to make everything better. Instead, if everyone works together, much can get done. Also, some jobs take a long time to finish and what one person begins another may end up completing.

By becoming a bar or bat mitzvah you are saying that you are ready to lend a hand yourself. You are saying, “Include me in! I want to help also! I, too, am willing to take responsibility and to act in ways which can improve our world.”

And we say, in response, “That's terrific! Welcome aboard! You will have a lifetime of opportunities to make your mark on the world and we're excited to help you get started on that lifelong work of good deeds.”

Assignment – Doing community Service

We all have a responsibility to do our part to make the world a better place. You can pick and choose whatever activities you want to do, but we encourage you to do some different things so you can compare them when you’re finished. On the day of your bar/bat mitzvah you will read your essay about your community service work.

STEP #7 – THE MAJOR PROJECT

Up to this point we know you’ve already worked on many different topics and essays. But here is where you get to choose any topic about Jewish history, heritage, culture, food, humor, entertainment, or languages that you would like to find out more about.

Sometimes a topic comes out of the family history or family values.
Sometimes an idea comes out of a family story.
Sometimes it comes out of something you learned when researching your heroes and role models.
And sometimes, it’s a topic that you have been interested in for a long time, and now is the time to finally find out more about it.

It’s not always easy picking a topic – and you might change your mind as you go along. Eventually, you’ll find a topic that is right for you.

After you choose your topic, your mentor will help you find information and organize your research. You then need to decide how to present this material to the congregation. Most students will write and deliver a report. You might decide that there is another way to share your information during your service – you might want to create a Powerpoint or video presentation, or you might have another idea.

Some topics that other bar/bat mitzvah students at The City Congregation have used for their major project are:

History of Jewish Immigration
The Holocaust and Righteous Gentiles
Comparing the lives of immigrants in New York to Southern California
Contributions by Jews to American Culture
How Jews and African Americans worked together in the Civil Rights Movement.
Jewish Identity Through Literature
The Labor Movement
The Value of Struggle
The Pen and the Sword – how people bring about change through words or military action.
The development of Hebrew as a modern language
The history and culture of Jewish foods
Freud’s Contributions
How a particular Jewish museum presents our heritage

STEP #8 – BELONGING TO AN EXTENDED FAMILY CALLED THE JEWISH COMMUNITY

Have you ever heard the expression, “No man is an island,” by John Donne? That idea – that no one is alone, but is part of a larger family of humankind – is actually a very cherished Jewish notion as well. Indeed, 1600 years before Donne, Rabbi Hillel, who lived in the first century C.E., said something similar. Hillel said, “Al tifrosh min ha-tsibbur,” which means, “Do not keep aloof from the community.” (Pirke Avot 2:5)

Traditionally, when Jews have gathered for services they have required a minyan, or the presence of at least ten men – we count women too – before the service could begin. This was because we emphasize the notion of celebrating or mourning together, not on our own. This idea is also reflected in many traditional prayers which do not say “I have transgressed, I have done wrong,” but “we have transgressed, we have done wrong.”

Becoming bar or bat mitzvah means taking your place in this Jewish community. And it means that you can be given responsibilities to participate in community celebrations and organizations.

There are different kinds of communities. For example, the neighborhood in which you live is one community. So is the school you attend, and any clubs you might belong to at school or after school. And so is your congregation in which you and your family are members.

And, like Jewish congregations elsewhere, The City Congregation serves several traditional functions: as a place for celebration, study, and gathering together for socializing or to join forces in doing social action. The emphasis on how one gets involved may be different for each individual and family. Some come mostly to services. Some prefer to go to classes. Some favor social times and meals together. And others like to work together on a project to improve social justice in the world.

Assignment:

Write an essay on “My Family and The City Congregation.”

STEP #9 -- ENJOYING JEWISH CULTURE

Judaism is much more than the beliefs we hold and the lessons we teach. Because of the many lands we have lived in and the many languages we have spoken, Jews have also developed a very rich cultural experience. It includes art and architecture, movies and theater and dance, food, entertainment, and a constant thirst for learning and education. Up to now, your parents or teachers have made most of the decisions about what cultural experiences you have been exposed to and have enjoyed. They will continue to try to influence your thinking by introducing you to new ideas and new cultural experiences. They also understand that you will have your own taste about things and will have to make your own decisions about what cultural experiences you want to enjoy in the future. Becoming bar or bat mitzvah is the time to start getting some practice in making those decisions.

Assignment

Attend, visit or participate in at least two Jewish cultural activities, and write a brief report about each visit.

STEP #10-- PREPARING A BAR OR BAT MITZVAH CELEBRATION AND THEN HAVING THE CELEBRATION!

Well, you're almost there! In just a little while the day of your bar or bat mitzvah celebration will be here. Soon you'll be able to look back on all you have undertaken during this program and you can be proud of what you will have accomplished. And your family and friends, too, will beam with joy at all that you have done and mastered!

The last challenge is to figure out how you will celebrate this special training you have undergone. If you have seen other bar or bat mitzvah services you have some idea of what goes on at a celebration. At the same time, as we have emphasized throughout this program, you also have personal choices to make about this service so that it is consistent with your own ideas and your family's ideas of how you want to mark this special occasion in your lives.

Back to Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Back to Jewish Life & Celebrations